Feb/18

14

Valentine’s Day

Recently I was speaking with a new client to schedule an initial mediation session for a divorce.  “How about February 14th?” I suggested. “Hmmm, no, that is just too sad.” she responded. It took me a moment to realize I had suggested they begin divorce mediation on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is fraught with peril for many individuals, especially the recently divorced or separated. For many their divorce feels like a failure of their marriage and they are ashamed the marriage did not last. Failure is a harsh word but it is the word I often hear used by clients. A Valentine’s Day newly alone can be very lonely and isolating.

As humans we naturally focus on the one bad event or experience and instead we forget the all the other good events or experiences. After a mediation session I often think of what I should have said or a better question to have asked instead of the discussions that went well or the progress that was made.

The same tendency to view events as negative applies to divorce. Obviously divorce creates challenges and consequences no one ever anticipated when they were planning their wedding. Divorce also though creates new opportunities and chances for change and growth that were not possible in the spiral of a deteriorating marriage.

After a separation and divorce both parties have a chance to challenge themselves and explore new opportunities. Some clients find solace in support groups, others mentor new divorcees, some focus on their work, some on their children if they have children and others take up new hobbies and sports. Money can be tight after a divorce but so many options have no or very little cost. A cup of coffee and a conversation with a supportive friend at a coffee shop is affordable. Some people begin to date and many eventually enter a serious relationship.

All of these new and positive possibilities exist precisely because of their divorce. New possibilities and positives to focus on exist because they did get divorced.

And no, I will not being mediating a divorce on Valentine’s Day.

Sheila-Marie Untiedt
www.cleanslatemediation.net
612-308-9994

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